The Heart That Skips A Beat

I’ve seen your widest smile. I’ve seen your saddest face. I’ve seen your exciting eyes. And with that, I’ve fallen for you.

Every time you turn your face to me excitedly, my heart skips a beat.

Every time you tell me a funny story, my heart skips a beat.

Every time you show up in front of my house’s door with your excited smile, my heart skips a beat.

********

I wrote those lines on Feb 8, 2016. I know exactly the muse. I remember the feeling. The excitement when I tried to put it in word by word. I just never thought that you will show up and let me admire you for more years. How ridiculous it is right now, seeing you with another pair of eyes–different from we used to, looking at me with such gentleness. Your eyes suddenly tell me more about how you feel right now. I still can’t believe myself that it’s the same guy I knew so many years ago. How could I dream of being admired, being chased, being loved adorably by you–and only you? It makes my heart skips a beat. Always. Skip a beat.

I don’t have words to say.. but, thank you for waiting all these years. Thank you for picking me up. Thank you for choosing me, though it took you years. Thank you for believing that we may be okay together. Thank you for taking the decision and the first move. And thank you for the intention to take this seriously, step by step.

The journey is still far ahead of us. We still have many responsibilities on our shoulders. If it’s with you, I don’t want to rush things. Let’s enjoy every moment we can share.. and let’s trust our guts that this is gonna work out.

Kita usahakan sama-sama, sisanya biar Tuhan upayakan, ya? 🧡

***

It’s a familiar face. Almost two decades, and after all these years, I’m back to you, again. I don’t want to assume things before it happens. So.. we’ll start from here.

Kita peluk niat baik ini.
Kita jalani baik-baik.
Kita rawat dengan usaha dan doa.
Lalu, berharap Tuhan berikan jalan sampai kita di tujuan selanjutnya–tahap berikutnya.
Ya?

Aku selalu percaya, apapun yang diniatkan dengan baik, yang dipikirkan baik-baik, dengan energi yang baik.. Tuhan akan lancarkan. Tuhan akan berikan jalan. Jadi, mari kita berkhusnudzon dengan skenario Tuhan yang lucu ini. Agar segala semoga kita menemukan jawaban terbaiknya, satu persatu. InsyaAllah ya. :’)

********

The heart still skips a beat, every time I see you.
And I’m positive, it’ll always be. Even years, even decades passes. It’ll always skip a beat for you. 🧡

Pengingat

Titak, jangan lupa bahagia.
Titak, jangan lupa jaga tubuhmu.
Titak, jangan paksakan dirimu untuk orang lain.
Titak, jangan lupa berhenti kalau melelahkan.
Titak, jangan lupa kalau kamu juga punya batas.
Titak, jangan lupa kamu punya mereka.
Titak, jangan lupa senyum.
Titak, jangan lupa bersyukur.

Titak, kamu gak pernah sendiri.

Come thru

Maybe I haven’t found that one friend who will comethru in anytime, anyplace. Like morning and night never existed. Like Jakarta to Bali ain’t far, or Maguwo to Wates is never too far.

Would they come straight away when I called, when the distance of our houses is more than 10 km? Would they come when I called after 9 pm, just to knock on the door and stay a night at my place?
Would they urgently book a ticket to my place when I told I was crying all night, feeling uneasy and painful? Would they cry with me when trying to soothe me?
Would they go that far for a friend like me?

Though, more importantly, would they care to not judge with the look in their eyes and the word they spoke? Would they?

I never want a feedback from those who I called bestfriends to do exactly what I already did for them. I cherish, I adore them, that’s why I sacrifice my own time to be with them. because I just understand the worst for not having any helpful hands around. And I just don’t want any of them to feel it.

I don’t mind spend much money just to be there first, to listen. I don’t mind to leave from work for 1-2 days just to make sure they’re okay. I don’t mind. Really. I might not reach out first, I might not speak on the call, but in the deepest of my heart, I was–I am hoping for someone to reach out, even if I don’t talk what happened, they will come, straight away. They will reach me and hug me and say, “How are you? Wanna talk?” But never once. No one has too much trusts on me to come thru, to knock on the walls I built, to stay at my place. No one did that, but myself to them. I would abandon what I’d been doing to go straight there. I would book a ticket to their place if I was out of town. I would go miles to make sure they were feeling better. I would try not to judge them with the words I spoke. I would eventually cry when I hugged them, when I soothed them. I would go that far, for someone I called friend. My family knows it best. I always gave myself wholeheartedly to my friends. Always.

No, I’m happy. I don’t say I’m unhappy with all I’ve got. I got a super caring, always on standby when I needed, boyfie. I got a handful of close friends in different cities and a few circles. but Idk, I might be crying all night, smiling on next day, and back crying again at night.

A friend of mine said,
‘mungkin pms?’
Iya kali. Maybe I was too sensitive so I cried every 2-3 months? When my period already passed? When I was all hyped up in the noon, then suddenly I cried for having too much fun? Don’t ridicule me. It was never about period, sis. It was about me that could not find peace in my own self.

I never forget every mean words someone told me. I never forget how I made someone angry. I never forget how it feels. I hate it. I hate having this sufferable memories. I hate having inability to memorise people’s words. I just hate myself for taking things to heart. I hate myself for saying “I don’t mind” when I take those spoken words at that second to my head and my heart. And I never forget who would not be there for me. Well, everyone.

But yeah whatever I’m taking about in this hour. So childish, aren’t I?
Go judge me in your head. Judge me until you content with that. I’m too exhausted for thinking about how many people will judge me when I post this. I care, but I’m too exhausted to care about it. It’s annoying for being myself, for being too caring, for being too sensitive towards people. For being considerate for certain close friends. Would they stick with me if I said some cruel-and-truth things? Apparently, they would never come back to me, they would seclude themselves, they would take it to heart as well.

Maybe I’m too fed up with life I’m having now.
Maybe I wasn’t born kind. Maybe I wasn’t born good.
That’s why living drains me. Drains all I have.
Maybe…

Ikhlas

Hidup itu tentang keikhlasan.
Ikhlas memberi.
Ikhlas menerima.

he said after we argued about unnecessarily unimportant thing–joking about trivia thing. but it got me. those unexpected words that proved his wise. and after seven years, I still can recall it. oh how it was really happy day to spend. no regret.